How to Be Supportive After a Death From Drugs

After death from drugs, it is normal for the person's relatives and loved ones to grieve. However, supporting people who are going through drug-related bereavement can be complicated.

While there may be beautiful memories of positive experiences with the loved one who has died, there may also be traumatic memories from negative experiences. For instance, they may have experienced distress seeing the loved one intoxicated or violent, have financial problems that affect the family, as well as a possible history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; legal problems; or other difficulties.

The loss of a friend or family member from drugs can be particularly painful if the person was young and otherwise healthy. Despite the negativity, you can still find a way to be supportive of someone who has lost a loved one to drug addiction. You may find inspiration from the list of suggestions below.

Be Present

supportive friend holding hands — PeopleImages/DigitalVision/Getty Images

When trying to support someone who has just lost a relative or loved one to death from drugs, people often wonder how to give support and struggle for those magic words that will take away the pain. You can do this by being physically present and helping them feel less isolated. Here are some ideas.

Be available for phone calls.
Go for a visit to spend time with them.
Respond promptly to email messages.
Send a card, letter, or flowers.

Listen

Worry less about saying the "right" thing and more about allowing the person to speak about their experience, if they choose. Be patient and give them the option to talk about whatever is on their mind as listening with respect can open the door to better communication with the person who is bereaved.

Listening involves giving the person your full attention while allowing them the space to speak without interruption.

Accept Their Feelings

A loved one bereaved by death from drugs is likely to have even more complex and contradictory feelings than other bereaved people. Here's an overview of things they might feel.

Liberation or relief that the addict will no longer overshadow their life with the unpredictability and addiction
Extreme sadness about what might have been if the deceased had gotten clean
Guilt about the times they wished it could all be over
Responsibility for bringing about the death of their loved one

None of these feelings are wrong, and your acceptance of them will help your friend to process them.

Express Sympathy

Saying "I'm sorry you're going through this," may be more supportive than comments like, "I understand how you feel." Even if you have lost someone to death from drugs, the experiences and relationships are likely to have been different. So, expressing understanding that you don't have may be alienating to the bereaved person.

It's okay to express genuine empathy around universal human emotions that may be a part of grief, such as anger, sadness, disappointment, and regret.

Stay Neutral

Teenager supporting friend — Staying calm and neutral is most supportive to someone who has lost a loved one to drugs. Huy Lam / Getty Images

Staying neutral can be tricky, especially if you had negative experiences with or opinions about the deceased. But it is more supportive to express no judgment than to express negative feelings about the person who has died, even if the bereaved does so.

If the bereaved talk about how cruel and abusive the addicted person was, express concern for them, for example, by saying "That must have been so hard for you" rather than saying "I don't know why you put up with that idiot."

These neutral comments allow the bereaved to come to terms with their own feelings, and to accept their own reasons for the way they handled the relationship, whether or not you feel they were correct.

Encourage and Support Self Care

Young man helping friend with dishes — Hoxton/Justin Pumfrey/Getty Images

Grief and depression can sometimes get in the way of people taking proper care of themselves. Regular sleep, meals, and exercise may fall by the wayside. The bereaved may stop practicing good personal hygiene and may fail to keep their home clean and tidy. Be encouraging and helpful in a kind, uncritical way.

Help With Practicalities

There are many daily tasks a grieving person may neglect because they feel depressed or can't find the energy. You can be supportive by:

Babysitting
Preparing a meal
Helping with household chores

There may be additional practicalities to take care of, that can seem overwhelming to the bereaved, such as:

Informing friends and family of the death
Making arrangements for the funeral
Dealing with doctors, lawyers, and inheritance issues
Dealing with unresolved legal issues arising from the addiction, such as debt, or issues around the death from drugs itself

Helping with these is another way to offer support.

Know When to Take a Break

Woman walking on beach — Stuart Ashley / Getty Images

It can be hard offering support to someone who has lost an addicted loved one. Emotions can run high, and it can be quite draining trying to help. If you feel overwhelmed, back off and take a break.

Don't allow resentment to mount, then vent to someone else about the bereaved person. If they find out, this may be more hurtful to the bereaved than if you hadn't tried to support them in the first place.

Accompany the Person

There may be events following the death of someone with an addiction that will be very difficult for the bereaved person. To be supportive, you can offer to accompany them to:

Make statements to the police or to reporters
Talk to doctors, funeral directors, and lawyers
Attend a court proceeding

At the same time, it's important to respect the bereaved person's wishes if they want to do these things alone.

Recognize Grief is a Process

Couple resting peacefully — Patryce Bak / Getty Images

Grief is a complex process involving several different stages and a range of different, and often contradictory emotions. People vary greatly in how long it takes them to recover after losing someone to drugs. Let the bereaved go through this process in their own way and in their own time, while having faith that eventually, they will find peace.

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Reime MA, Løseth HM, Lindeman SK, Titlestad KB, Dyregrov K, Selseng LB. Professional helpers' experiences of assisting the bereaved after drug-related deaths: A knowledge gap. Nordic Stud Alcoh Drugs. 2022;39(4):453-65. doi:10.1177/14550725221085345
Titlestad KB, Kristensen P, O'Connor M, Hystad S, Dyregrov K. Paths to positive growth in parents bereaved by drug-related death: A mixed-method study. Front Psychol. 2022;13:982667. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.982667
Fernández-Alcántara M, Cruz-Quintana F, Pérez-Marfil MN, Catena-Martínez A, Pérez-García M, Turnbull OH. Assessment of emotional experience and emotional recognition in complicated grief. Front Psychol. 2016;7:126. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00126
Milic J, Muka T, Ikram MA, Franco OH, Tiemeier H. Determinants and predictors of grief severity and persistence: The Rotterdam Study. J Aging Health. 2017;29(8):1288-1307. doi:10.1177/0898264317720715
Fjaer S, Dyregrov K. Advice to policy-makers for improving services to the drug-death bereaved. Nord Stud Alcoh Drugs. 2021;38(6):615-30. doi:10.1177/14550725211018333

Additional Reading

Kübler-Ross E. On Death and Dying.
Orford J, Natera G, Copello A, et al. Coping with Alcohol and Drug Problems: The Experiences of Family Members in Three Contrasting Cultures.

By Elizabeth Hartney, BSc, MSc, MA, PhD
Elizabeth Hartney, BSc, MSc, MA, PhD is a psychologist, professor, and Director of the Centre for Health Leadership and Research at Royal Roads University, Canada.

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