It can be difficult for recovering sex addicts to know what a healthy intimate relationship feels like. Maureen Canning, MA, LMFT, herself a child abuse survivor, recovered sex addict, and relationship therapist, identifies key characteristics of a healthy sexual relationship after sex addiction treatment in her book, "Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy."
1. Sex provides a feeling of well-being
Feelings of safety, connection and affirmation occur in a healthy sexual relationship. It may take time to move away from feelings of danger, disconnection and shame, but it is worth the patience and perseverence.2. Emotional and physical sensations are felt
In a healthy intimate relationship, both partners are aware of their own emotional vulnerability and physical sensations. These are experienced positively, with no need for numbing or "chasing the orgasm."3. Creativity and passion are rediscovered
This is not limited to sexual activity, but could be a rediscovery of an authentic creative activity, such as playing music. Sex no longer needs to be the only outlet for emotional expression.4. You nurture yourself in non-genital ways
Healthy sexuality is not the exclusive channel for self-nurturance, and is experienced more authentically if you regularly and deliberately experience pleasure in other ways.5. Suffering is tolerated as a part of life
Being able to cope with disappointment, tiredness and difficulty without resorting to sexual relief is an important part of recovery.6. You can be emotionally vulnerable
Whereas sex addicts fear betrayal, and sexualize their feelings to protect themselves from vulnerability, in a healthy intimate relationship you realize that vulnerability is central to relating honestly with others.7. You develop and maintain healthy boundaries with others
Sex addicts have difficulty with healthy boundaries, either being too rigid, or not recognizing the importance of boundaries in keeping both people in the relationship safe. Developing healthy boundaries allows you to be vulnerable and safe at the same time.8. Sexuality is well-balanced and moderate
While sex addicts live in extremes of sexual energy, experiencing either full-on excessive sexual tension or repressed, walled-off sexual feelings, when you develop sexual maturity, you can control an appropriate flow of sexual energy.9. You are curious and caring about other people's reactions to you
Instead of taking what people say personally, and reacting emotionally, healthy intimacy allows you to try to understand what is going on for them.10. You learn to trust others
In overcoming a sexual addiction, you must first focus on trusting yourself and learn to recognize your own truth. Then you can use healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe while trusting others' truth, as you move through the stages of relationships.
