No-one automatically knows how to talk to someone with an addiction. Although people who have lived and worked with people with addictions may have discovered effective ways to communicate, it is always difficult because of the confusion addiction creates in the addict, and in those around them. Add the shock of discovering a loved one has an addiction, and you have a recipe for poor communication. But there are ways of communicating that produce better outcomes than we might expect.
Communicating with an addict can be especially hard if you have been supporting the person's addiction by enabling them to continue with their addictive behavior. People with addictions can make this worse by denial and lying to you. Making changes in the way that you interact with the addict will put an end to enabling, while still showing you care about the person.
Always be kind to someone with an addiction
Listen to person with the addiction at least as much as you talk
Whether they are a loved one or not, a person with an addiction is more likely to confide in you about what is really going on for them if you listen without interrupting or criticizing. Even if you do not agree with their behavior, addictions happen for a reason. Find out about their addiction by reading about it on this website, and try to understand what it is like from an addict's point of view.
Always be consistent
Whenever you are with someone with an addiction, communicate through your actions as well as your words. Remain consistent in your message, so that they don't misunderstand what it is you want or expect of them. For example, don't say you think your partner has a drinking problem, and then share a bottle of wine over dinner.
Try to be predictable
Addicts can be very unpredictable in their words and behavior, but setting a good example can help to turn this around. Be predictable in your words and actions whenever you are around someone with an addiction -- surprises are stressful, and stress feeds addiction.
Show unconditional love or concern
Let them know that you still love or care about them, no matter how severe their addiction. If this is not true or possible, at least that you have their best interests at heart, whether or not they get help. This doesn't mean you will put up with anything, however. Let the person with the addiction know what you won't put up with, and don't be scared to set limits and follow through to show you aren't simply making empty threats or psychologically punishing them for their addictive behavior.
Support the process of change
Let the person with the addiction know that you are willing to support them in changing, for example, by coming with them to family or couples counseling. Although your motivation for change may be higher than the addict's motivation for change, this may start to shift once the addict starts to benefit from counseling and realizes that you are also willing to look at yourself and make changes, too.
Do it their way
Although you should be absolutely clear and firm about what is unacceptable in an addicted person's behavior -- for example, underage drinking or using drugs in your house, you can be flexible in how they makes these important changes. Offer to help in ways that they would like, without dictating what must be done. As long as you get the same outcome, and no harm is caused by the addict's own strategy for change, let them do it their way.
Seek information on where to get help
People often feel ashamed of their addiction, and fear of being reported to the police or another authority may be one of the biggest obstacles to addicts seeking help. Offer to find and share information on where to get help. If the person with the addiction declines, focus instead on getting help for yourself. As well as helping you to cope with the situation, seeing you get help and improving your mood and functioning can be inspiring to the them, as they see that change is possible.
Always let an addict know your limits
If the person seems unwilling to change, and you feel you cannot keep on living with them while they are engaging in their addiction, gently let them know. Counseling can be a good place to do this. As long as someone with an addiction does not know how much their behavior bothers you, they have no reason to change.